I have always been highly sensitive and emotional, even as a child. I talk a lot about the energy or vibes that people give off, and that’s because I feel every single inch of it. I can feel the slightest shift in energy, I know how people are feeling, sometimes before they even realise it themselves. I feel my own energy burning inside and around me every second of every day. Sometimes I can’t sleep at night because I feel like I’m electric, I can’t switch it off. This alone is tiring, but what really exhausts me, is the fact that not only do I feel these energies, but I absorb them. I take on the emotions, the vibes, the feelings of those I surround myself with. And I hate it. I have no control over it, and believe me I have tried to gain control. If someone has bad feelings towards me, I know it the second I am in their presence, even if they’re not sure of how they feel, even if they are masking their upset I can feel it and I absorb it and I begin to feel that way too. When someone is ill, physically or mentally, I absorb their black and grey energies and I too begin to experience their symptoms. This is not psychosomatic. I have been perfectly healthy, spent time with a friend and then found myself at the doctors being diagnosed with the same illness- contagious or not. My boyfriend is extremely hotheaded, he is quick to anger and quick to cool down again. This is particularly hard for me, I’ll be sitting working in the kitchen while he cooks, he might burn himself for example and explode in a burst of rage, this swells up in me and I feel his anger and pain. Just a minute or two later he is calm again but I am still full of the red hot energy he just emitted. I will spend a while in this energy, processing, feeling and then I’ll drop down to calm and then struggle to find my balance again.
I’m finding it more difficult than I thought I would, to explain this.
I get lost in the energy of others. I often can’t find my own vibe, I don’t know how I feel, I don’t know if I’m experiencing my own feelings or that of the person sat next to me. I absorb emotions I cannot understand, the emotions of strangers I’ve never spoken to. As I have said before, every single thing I feel, I feel so incredibly intensely. It’s like my senses are heightened, every touch is almost painful. I struggle to be around large groups of people as all the different energies are just too much for me to handle. I need to spend a lot of time on my own to recover from being around others and to find my balance again, to find myself again.
I usually feel very heavy, weighed down. I tend to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, I take on everyone’s problems as my own. And there is no way to escape this. In times of confrontation, if I stand up for myself I feel overwhelmed with aggressive and negative energy from myself and the other party. If someone feels negatively towards me I can barely handle the weight of their energy, let alone add to it myself. I will always try to diffuse a situation, but then I become upset with myself for not defending myself. If someone continues to feel badly about me I become consumed with black, rotting energy, I cannot cope with others having negative feelings towards me.
There are some positives to being like this though. I can read a situation quickly, I can feel how things are going to go before they happen. My first thoughts and opinions on people are always correct. I’ve judged people before, and decided to go against these first judgements, to give them a chance to prove me wrong. They never have. Someone I met during my first year of university gave me a particular feeling right away but I chose to ignore this and pursue a friendship and at first it appeared my initial judgements were wrong. However, sure enough, after a few months their façade crumbled and they revealed who they really were. Who they really were, was who I thought them to be the first moment I met them. In addition, people often come to me with their problems; they feel like I understand them and always give good advice. I’m not being arrogant here, this is just what I’ve been told. I feel responsible for others. I want to help everyone and I feel like it is my duty, I’ll go out of my way to help others, no matter how much it hurts me. And it does hurt. Absorbing the energy of others physically hurts me. When I’ve been around a lot of people, with a lot of different emotions I will become weak and sick. My body will ache, my vision will blur into colourful waves, my spine tingles so much it hurts and I can’t sit still. I was speaking with a customer at work yesterday who was clearly very stressed, they were rude and angry but I could feel their sadness. They felt defeated. I don’t know what they were going through but it was bad, all vision in my right eye turned to blurred waves of primary colours only, my spine tingled and my heart began to ache.
I could write about this for hours, I could give example after example but it will never be enough. I’ve only just begun to learn about empathy, clairsentience and the spiritual aspects. It’s reassuring and makes a lot of sense for me, answers a lot of questions. I’ll probably make another post going more into my experiences as an empath. But for now, I’ll leave it here. I’ve rambled enough. If this isn’t coherent enough for you to understand, the following post gives a lot of clear and helpful information on being an empath:
This has been a messy post. I’m feeling a lot right now.