I took somewhat of a big step recently. I made a doctor’s appointment, to ask for medication to help with my anxiety. This is something I never wanted to do, but over the last few months my anxiety has gotten so bad that it is affecting my studies and both my mental and physical health. I need something to help me get through these next few months, the final 6 months of my degree and then I will be able to put my focus on natural healing. But for now, I may have to take the ‘easy’ way. I have found that yoga helps to calm and centre me, I find it grounding. However, I can’t do yoga all day, every day – though I wish I could. Although, I have been looking into meditation, which comes hand in hand with the yogic practice.
I can never quieten my mind, so I always assumed I would never be able to meditate. I tried when I was a young teenager but to no avail. I can sit cross-legged in silence for hours on end, but all the while, there’s riots going on in my mind. A few days ago, I tried meditation again, guided meditation this time, which is something I hadn’t tried before. To my surprise I successfully meditated for 10 minutes, keeping my mind focused on whatever the guide asked me to- my breathing or how my body felt. Afterwards, I felt strange. I felt sad. My heart was heavy and my chest was tight. A couple of hours later I found myself in uncontrollable floods of tears. Part of the reason for my distress was and still is because I feel like I am very slowly experiencing a spiritual awakening, and it is making me feel alone. It is making me feel less and less like I belong here. This in itself is a big topic and should perhaps be reserved for its own post. Anyway, I did some research and I found that such reactions following meditation are not unusual. It was, in a way, a somewhat intense experience, which allowed an emotional release. I am well aware of how much emotion I have suppressed within me, so thinking about it, my reaction is no surprise. Once my tears had stopped I felt lighter, although some sadness about my lone awakening remained.
I’ve begun to wonder if meditation would be a successful remedy for my anxiety. It would be ideal but can I truly heal myself through yoga and meditation? I am most definitely going to try, but at this moment in my life I cannot afford to play with trial and error. I am going to speak with the doctor next week, I would like to try meditation and yoga to combat my problems but if this doesn’t work I will be trying medication. It will be interesting to see how each affects me. I’m scared to begin taking medication and if it weren’t for my university responsibilities I would throw myself into my yogic studies instead. But right now, I have to consider medication as a serious option, at least until June. Nothing is fully decided yet, I’ll see what the doctor can suggest.
Thanks for being here with me.
– Quiet Waters